366

I've often reflected in my past blogs on time and it's rather pervasive way of escaping us.  We're often so caught up in our own respective journeys that we fail to acknowledge momentous occasions.  It is only when we sit back, catch our breath, and draw on our life that the reflection we so choose to look at as almost inexorably passed us by.

In the preceding days and actually this past month, I couldn't allow Feb. 12, 2012 to escape me.  I was almost transfixed on it and often sat down, caught my breath, and wondered how this time had come so quickly.  I was almost impaled and was often frightened about it's coming and wondered how I would respond.  I knew it was going to be a difficult day as I looked back on the significant events that had occurred during that time.  Most notably was an event that occurred 167 days ago.  Little did I suspect that two tragedies would have befallen me during these past 366 days.  I look back on Feb. 12, 2011 and what I was doing that morning.  How I dreaded getting up and making that last drive in the car, knowing that it would be our last together.  It is the most difficult event that I ever had to do and will ever experience.  I remember our last moments as I clutched him in my arm never wanting to let go.  A grip that was tenacious and yet fleeting.  I felt his breath leave me and watched him slip away.  And yet, while this has occurred, I separate myself from the way he left me but in how he lived.  I know he has spoken with me and my comfort lies there.  I know he's well taken care of and she is as well.

Thanks Dad for looking out for them.

REMINISCING

As Mr. Webster defines it, "indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events".  As I get closer to Feb. 12, my recollections indulge me as how quickly time does fly.  And as I gingerly sorted through past videos of last year and my fond remembrances of my big boy and little girl, the sadness undeniably followed.  Yet, in spite of the sadness, it still brings a smile to my face to know they're safe, know that I'm well and have added to our little brood.  My "contacts" with them over the past year tell me they're time here was enjoyed if not glorified.  I still continue understand that everything has a purpose, He has a plan, and by His grace, I will continue to be part of it.  I often fail to understand, but know that it will be for my benefit.  

The other evening I was privilege to partake in the celebration of a couple who have been married 70 years!  Quite a testament to commitment, devotion, honor, and above all-love.  I can honestly say that I don't know any other couple who've been married that long.  And the beauty of watching these two that night wasn't just that their love was expressed for that night, but I know these people and that love is shown each and every day.  Granted, I don't live with them, and see them on occasion, but when I do visit with them, their passion, demeanor, and expression is constant. It truly was a sight to behold.  God, grant them another 70

Is It New Year, or Knew Year?

Wow, it's the 4th of January already and I wonder where did this year go, or where is it going?  The New Year snuck up on me, well, not exactly as I dillydallied the last week or so pondering what to write about these last several weeks; the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012.  I've languished about it's demise (the end of 2011 that is) and like many bleary eyed souls attempted to relinquish those events that plagued me in 2011 and endeavored to resign myself to those that embraced me.  It was not an easy task as I have to admit I'm still wallowing in residual grief over my two monumental losses this past year.  While Dancer's was "expected", Piper's was a shock.  It wasn't the same this Christmas without them and while I have to couple the undeniable sadness that    clouds me, my newest entry into this household has "rescued" me.

 His name is Kody and a picture is worth a thousand words as they say.  He has certainly filled a void and as my delinquent attempts at establishing a lasting relationship with Diane, Tea, Kate, Diane, Juliette, have fallen on deaf ears, my four legged friends certainly keep my time fulfilled.  I won't mention Meg in this vane, as one of my more ardent followers of this blog is equally beguiled and less we challenge each other to a duel for her affections, we'd have to come by Mellencamp first.

And as part of my title of this particular post states; "knew" year as in, what can I know or what is it that I may "expect" for the next 12 months.  Absolutely nothing, for blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.  And to be honest, I prefer it that way.  For expectation is the breeding ground of complacency and pride and I've never had any pride.  I'm far to much of a realist to be smug about myself.  Like the oft used idiom, "it's not about the destination, it's in the journey".  I know I'm loved, I have two wonderful sisters who as they say, "got my back".  I know with His undeniable love, my way shall be unfettered.

So, here's to an exciting, hopefully joyous New and Knew Year.

FIRST SNOW!

I LOVE SNOW!!!  Unfortunately, I don't live in a region where it is constant but sporadic.  That being said however, last winter we were deluged with one of the larger snowfall amounts in recent St. Louis memory.  In past years we always seem to be just on the cusp of the demarcation line so to speak.  It reminds me of the famous Maxwell Smart line, "missed it by that much".

Now, it's quite possible that were I to live in a region of ubiquitous amounts or were it so pervasive that I couldn't get out, I may think or say differently.  However, that could have its rewards as I could sit in front of my screen a good part of the day pounding out rather profound if not inescapable volumes for this blog.

But, as it was the day after Christmas that it came, and our wishes for a White Christmas were hopelessly dashed, I like to think, better late than never.  And we still have to tread through 3 more months of winter and it would remote for nary another storm to blanket our area.  So, I'm forever hopeful that another one will soon be on its way.  Now, as a school teacher, I must say I have my limits on how many times I can watch in earnest in the wee hours of the morn' our local news report our school district is closed.  I can joyously shout really only 5 times and after that, I know it's going to eat ridiculously into my summer vacation as it did last year, having to make up days.  But it sure is nice to crawl back into a warm bed or stoke the fireplace and curl up with furballs and canines and a good comforter, (or Meg Ryan if you're reading)

But getting back to that first snow and its pristine silence, cascading to earth.  It's always bleak and the sky is inhospitable while it falls.  And the hush of a flake dancing, toppling is a paradox in itself.  I've often been in a forest as it snowed and the stillness often cries of an aging austerity that proves so uninviting.  It's that paradox of silence that penetrates my soul.  In the redeeming quality of that snowflake once landed, one sees the glint of sparkle; light and fashion sculpted into a promise of redemption and vision.  Oh, how I love the snow!

"Silent Night, Holy Night"

"Silent Night, Holy Night
all is calm, all is bright,

Sing to me softly, whisper my name, I listen

"Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child,
Holy Infant so tender and mild",

Kiss me with lips so tender, I'm in despair
For your absence has frozen this air,

"Sleep in Heavenly Peace,
Sleep in Heavenly Peace,"

Your touch and warmth is not here,
The chill of the night gives me fear,

"Silent Night, Holy Night,
Son of God, Loves pure light,

Lead me by hand, take my heart
to the place of joy and commence

"Radiant beams from thy Holy Face.
With dawn of redeeming grace,"

I shall seek your your presence
In the grip of this silence,

"Jesus, Lord at thy birth,
Jesus, Lord at thy birth"

Come, give to me your speak,
Now, at this time of my seek

"I Waited"

I waited at their door,

Looking for a presence once more,

Alas, the shine failed to appear,

But my gaze caught myself in the mirror

Seeking in desperate fondness

Of missions from the past.

They shall arrive when sorrow

Seeks us no more but lays a gentle

Ground for me tomorrow.

I tap the springs of hope as my heart

Seeks redemption from willows aghast.

It is time for joy to bring

Me to embrace what is mine

As I walk this path in borrowed time.

They shall walk along with constant step

Hand in hand ne’er to forget.

They’ll let me pass with them
always together, speaking of our anthem

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus

This was an original article that was written in the New York Sun in 1897 by Francis Church after Philip O'Halon's 8yr. old daughter-Virginia had posed the question to him.  He suggested she write a letter to the New York Sun saying, "if it's printed in the Sun, then it's so".
This is the response given by Mr. Church:

Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O’Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

I'd just like to add that Yes, Daniel there is a Santa Claus also.  Every time you witness a kind act, or the cry of a newborn baby, or the smell of puppy breath, or the gentle kiss of a raindrop on a blade of grass, or listen to the eerie silence of freshly fallen snow, or the dance of a sun beam caressing your pillow, or the smile of a wrinkled brow, or the laughter of a child at play, or the dance of a flame charring a log, or the soft kiss planted on your cheek. Yes, these timeless happenings occur each and every day telling me that Santa is here.

Almost 2 Months Now

No, I haven't forgotten about my blog, nor has the fluid inspirations of my psyche been diminished.  Like the other great writers of the literary field, we all sometimes get mental anemia.  For those of you that seriously know me, you understand that I make such a ludicrous comment with great levity!!  In this case it's been more of a physical anemia....basically adhering my gluteus maximus to the couch.  Sometimes I think it got hermetically sealed there.  But then again there's been another reason which is more in tune with my mental state.  As I looked back at my last posting (Aug. 23rd), it brings a  stark reminder of why I made my last post and rekindles some sadness that I languished in.  And as much as I tried to avoid that event, the harsh reality of it still lingers.  But, I've been down that road before, will go down that road again, and the circle of life will continue.  But my grief lessens and the day to day mechanisms move forward.  I've had many "inspirations" over the last two months to plunk finger to key board and dust off the grey matter and write.  It doesn't take a provocative inclination to encourage me.  It can be the simple laugh of a child, the unwitting glance of a person in the market, the haunting aroma of a rain storm, or more simply, the wet kiss from my dogs.  I can't pinpoint what has struck me now, but I grasp the sense to resume.
And while I'm not quite sure I'm going to have anything quite profound to write, (and it really doesn't matter at all) the sheer joy in occupying my space on my blog is enough.  Besides, the real estate is cheap.  Where else can I put down my thoughts and not get charged for it?  Blogger is free, for the time being.
I could put down that I've got some new electronic toys to my arsenal, which have added to the ease of everyday living.  But I'd also have to clarify that by stating quite unequivocally that I could just write stuff down (like I did years ago) rather than put them on my calendar on my iPhone, or continue to use my older camera, and listen more to the radio rather than affixing my pre cataract eyes to the big screen tv that adorns me living room, and instead of relying on the ease of powering up my iPad, just go to the library!!  But, alas, all of these modern conveniences have woefully restricted my efforts at creativity.  I wonder what Grandpa would have said?

I also could visit the abrupt and rather languid mentality of Reality television; something that I have thought several times of doing before and most probably will, but not in this post.  As I detest them, and feel they are the scourge of mental decency for anyone who watches t.v.  But, I will save that for another time.

I've met and spoke with several "new" acquaintances in my absence and this is always (and will continue to be) a truly irreproachable activity for me.  I love meeting and acquiring new friends.  Some say that the eyes are the window to the soul.  I believe it's meeting and establishing new friendships that are the mirror of oneself.

See you soon.

The Lord Giveth

I must confess that I really don't understand life and all it's wondrous hesitations.  And even more so with death and the sublime interruption that it flails on us at the most inopportune times.  Just when I think I may have an inkling to the schedule that has seemingly been ordained, the rug is pulled from me and I'm left gathering my emotions at another bend in the road and an abrupt hesitation at a very inopportune time.  And as my heading implies, it really is a decree that has been determined by God for truly He does giveth and must taketh away.  And that He did one week ago without warning, without preparation, without hesitation.  He called my beloved little "Piper" home.  The loan He had so graciously given me 15 yrs. ago was up and her final place was with Him.  She will now follow Dancer and I know he was waiting for her at the gate to show her around.  He'll introduce her to some friends of ours that have gone before and were waiting for her.  And the Lord Taketh Away
And Dad, if you're reading, take care of my little girl.

101

I ask myself where did 18 yrs. go?  What has transpired in that time.  I could break it down into minutes which would be 9,460,800, or hrs. which would be 157,680, and days-6570.   18 years in itself sounds like an eternity and if we were to calculate our lives in compartments of hours, it would resonate with the veracity of an almost immortal perpetuation.  I imagine if we were to sit in our BarcaLounger staring aimlessly at the Timex counting those 9 million minutes, one would either suffer an incurable sense of boredom or risk a delusional sense of immortality.  But, we neither have the inclination to subject ourselves to such boredom nor would we entertain the idea of delusion, albeit at some times during our lives, risking delusion over reality can be, how shall I put it, somewhat jocular.  We could also debate the essence of psychological time vs. physical time and really get into something the philosophers referred to as phenomenological time.  If I've lost you by now...sorry.  You're probably wondering where in the hell is he going with this Aristotelian metaphysical discussion?  And certainly what does it have to do with the title of this post-101?  Quite simply today would have been her 101st. birthday.  And it's been 18 yrs. since we last celebrated one.  I didn't post anything on the 9th, several days ago as that was the day she died.  And looking back at those 18 yrs., 6570 days, 157,680 hrs. and 9,460,800 minutes, I can honestly tell you I've missed her presence each one of those increments.  So, withstanding all that philosophical jargon, and I think of what we would be doing with her today if she were still alive.  Hopefully, she would be living with one of her children, but realistically taking care of a centenarian would have it's own set of trials.  But humoring me for a moment, one of us would have taken her to lunch, and then to dinner at one of her established restaurants, and if she was up to it...a round of Bingo.  As I was driving home this evening, I passed one of her Bingo Halls that she frequented.  This being Wednesday, I know she would have wanted to go.  And with any luck, she would have come out of the hall, smelling like a tobacco farm, but smiling like a Cheshire cat as she had won the grand prize-$400.

There's so much I want to tell her and let her know what a wonderful mom she was.  I want her to know what I've been doing in those 18 years.  I want to take her to Bingo one more time.  I want her to hear her voice just one more time and feel my arms around her.  But, somehow, I know she's been watching and listening the entire 18 years, 6570 days, 157,680 hrs. and 9, 460, 800 minutes.

Happy 101st  Birthday Mom,