Dancer's Rainbow

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?"

Here's hoping that we'll find the pot of gold at the end of Dancer's Rainbow

23 Years

The passage of time and how we define it can be traced to very specific events, moments, or even those that are about to occur. Yet those that are about to occur are at best unpredictable. Lately, I've been wishing that time would stand still and that air of unpredictability would escape me. I thought of trying to be very existential with this post and think of some muse of Aristotelian thought or maybe even go a little "crazy" and define some Heideggerian mentality that hearken sentimentality of this day. Alas, it's rather late and the flowing thoughts aren't being philosophical but lending to a nostalgic tenderness. I think about this day some 23 yrs. ago as I sat by his side, his body now failing him as a horrible disease consumed it. He didn't know I was there as he slipped in and out of a coma. I had hoped the angels were providing for him as I watched his body arch and settle down. I spoke to him but he did not respond to my voice. I told him I was there and it was going to be alright, but again he did not hear me. I would have liked to have one more talk with him, to tell him how much I loved him and that all the years of pain and sorrow we had gone through didn't matter. I would have wanted to say, "can we have another game of catch"? or "will you take me fishing one more time"? I wanted to watch "Shane" with him one more time like we did last night and I wanted him to sing "Danny Boy" to me one more time. I wanted to say that for all those painful moments, I would joyously give up those 23 yrs. to have one more day with you. I knew that you were still there for me and that your love for me never failed for that's what dad's do for their sons. I wanted to tell him that I would miss him each and every day he would be gone. There isn't a day that goes by that he's not in my thoughts and I miss him terribly. Paul died Sept. 29, 1986-23 yrs. ago today. He was only 71.

Kisses, meet Murph, Murph, meet Kisses

As Dancer completed his third and final dose of radiation this past Friday at Colorado State University, he wanted me to introduce two of his canine brothers who are struggling with the same cancer. And these two guys;(one gal) one Kisses, a Yorkie mix just completed his radiation last week, and Murph, a Golden is getting ready to undergo the start of hers tomorrow. And while Kisses is back home in Calif. and now endeavors to arrest additional health concerns, Murph impatiently and with a fair amount of anxiety awaits the beginning of another journey in her life. These two courageous troopers gallantly maintain that life is not just an inert warrant to be stopped because of their cancer, but a continuum only to be profoundly cherished. They are blessed by their "parents", Barbara and Pam who have confidently and with steadfast affirmation exposed their undying love for them. Roger Karas once said, "Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole". And these guys,(and gal) along with Dancer have attended to that void we experience, that element of abyss that can encompass us, and for our betterment and shear joy, make our lives whole.
And so, as Dancer's brother and sister await their next fork in the road, my prayers and hopes go with them.

I HAD A DREAM

I had a dream I was walking along a roaring stream with my friend and we came to a bridge that was old and dilapidated. It clearly had been crossed so many times as witnessed by the imbedded foot prints across its slats. It was an enduring bridge, held upright by weathered cables of jute and burlap fastened around the old pawpaw. And this majestic tree had additionally seen it’s days as well. My friend, who was now approaching the twilight of his life leaned on me and said, “I don’t know if I can cross this bridge, for it doesn’t appear that it will hold both of us”. He nudged me with his nose to motion that I go on without him. I said, “clearly you have carried me so often in my life, through my dark days, and have been my haven in times of despair, I will never leave you, I can surely carry you one more time”. And with that I picked my friend up and draped him around my neck. As we gathered ourselves, we stumbled under foot as the bridge swayed from our weight, the creaking and splintering of the slats threatened to thrust us into the rushing waters. “Please put me down and go on without me” my friend barked at me. I replied, “you will never know what a difference you have made in my life, I can never repay you, if you go, I go”. I felt his grip tighten around my neck and I felt his warmth give strength to my aching body. And with steady, and deliberate steps we crossed that Rainbow Bridge together. And as we reached the other side, we looked back and saw that the bridge was once again new, the slats had been mended, the jute where once was torn and tattered was strong and renewed. And the old pawpaw was blooming and bearing fruit once again. And the rushing waters of the stream had calmed and were now tranquil. I had a dream.

Frank-ly Speaking!!

As Dancer's journey continues (and hopefully on a positive one), I would be remissed, almost negligent, no, it would be unconscionable if I didn't acknowledge one of my "earth angels" in this ordeal. I know I've talked about my spirituality in my last several posts coupled with my undying belief in faith and hope that our "destination" will be one of joy. I've also talked about miracles and believing in them and while my most passionate wish is that Dancer is cured, I also believe in angels. I've been blessed lately (and throughout my life really) to have an extraordinary team of angels guiding me, consoling me, keeping my hope "Everest" like. But I digress and without mentioning this person, as I said, it would be unconscionable on my part for I credit him with his insight, knowledge, and judgment at catching this at an early stage. As I've witnessed and discussed with others who are experiencing the same type tumor in their dogs, and listening to their heartbreaking stories of misdiagnosis, treatment for other conditions and wasting precious time, I think back to the day in my vet's office when he suggested doing an x-ray to see what may be causing his sneezing. And when the "mass" was found, it was his recommendation that a referral be made to the oncologist to find out what its' make up was. The worst thing unfortunately was realized at that appt. But, he could have suggested treat with antibiotics, like other peoples vets had done, give him a shot, as other peoples have done, and all the while precious time would have been gone. I thank my "earth angel" for his intuition. If Dancer has been granted more time with me, I know he will have a Herculean contribution to it.
This guy is sort of semi retired as a vet though. He sold the practice a couple of years ago and as a courtesy the new group lets him come to the office, sort of as a "be kind to the old folks" mentality. He's the only guy there, outnumbered by 9-1 by females so that speaks either to his inner strength or he's unabashedly succumbed that the male is far inferior to the opposite sex. He spends the rest of is "free" time being a grandpa, trying to play on his forgotten dreams of being the next Ansel Adams (but he'll never be because he still shoots with a Nikon), and venturing off with his lovely bride-Sue to photograph those unfulfilled dreams of Ansel.
Several years ago, I got him to abandon his PC for a more hip, up to date, trendy, and just viably better computer, the venerable and enigmatic iMac. But in doing so, I inadvertently created a monster....a book monster for now he has taken to his new toy of creating pictorial books with his iMac. And I must say, he has a knack for making them not just visually stunning, but almost Adams like in their quality (ok, ok, so he shot them with a Nikon). It's customary when a president retires that he makes a library honored with his name. This guy will be the first vet to create a library from all his iMac books. Frank, you're the best!!

"Life is a Journey"

My posts have lately been far and few between and if you read this blog you know why. It has come down to more of a “journaling” than what it’s original intention was set out to be. But, ahhhhh, the beauty of life affords us that-change.
“Life’s a journey not a destination”…how many times have we read this and thought, “what a bunch of crap”? As a kid, when we went anywhere with the parents, how many times did we scream at the top of our lungs, “are we there yet”? And lately, I’ve been thinking that. As my boy Dancer (and I) are continuously challenged by “what to do” about this cancer thing that has invaded his body and appears to have no bound in wanting to destroy his life (and mine as well), I somberly think of the “destination”. Is it going to be death from cancer? And I guess this is where that part of that quote comes in; the journey, for it obliges me to pursue that overlooked road or detour to try and cheat fate. If you have a pet, you’ve been there and done that….when is the right time, did I wait too long, did I not wait long enough, who am I doing this for, him or me? And the ever engaging-“quality of life” buffer which somehow is meant to lessen our complete and utter anguish at “letting them go”. But, come on now, it really doesn’t…you’ve truly lost your best friend and all you can think about, is I want him here with me. But after your emotions have somewhat calmed, the cobwebs of heartbreak have subsided, you can reason, “it was time” and he’ll be in that special place we commonly refer to as Heaven, because you know….all dogs do go to heaven (and cats, and horses, and goats, and pigs….)

So, I (and Dancer) embark on one of those detours in the journey of life to try another intervention. Dancer will undergo a fairly new and somewhat radical procedure called the “cyberknife” in hopes of eradicating this tumor that impales him. We will place our trust in the hands of the skilled artisan who hopefully have their hands guided by God to use the laser beam to cheat death and add to, not just the quality of his life, but the quantity as well. It will be my fondest hope (and remember, Hope is a good thing) that Dancer will die of old age, not cancer.

Who Has a Lease on Life?

It's been several weeks since my last post and frankly my emotional energy has been sorely zapped. At my last posting (July 20th), I mentioned that my good friend, Dancer lay on a vet's table reeling from the effects of just having a rhinoscopy. And while my prayers were of a positive hope for a better outcome, the tide was swept away from me. My hope was sorely tested as I received the "CALL"-sino nasal transitional cell carcinoma. Prognosis-2 mos. left untreated, 3-5 with chemo, 9 mos. maybe with radiation. My heart broke. And for those of you who are thinking, it's just a dog for cryin' out loud, I'll have a little verse for you at the end.

So, I began to embark on another journey with Dancer, not so much a "death sentence" for that was what I was handed, but instead, a "life sentence". I remember the haunting and prophetic words of one Andy Dufresne, "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and a good thing never dies". He also said, "you can get busy living, or get busy dying". I decided to get busy living with Dancer for whatever time he has left. I truly believe it will be my faith in God, and my unrelenting passion for hope that will see us through.

My dad always used to say, "who has a lease on life"? He wasn't a smart man, not terribly intuitive, and surely his sensitivity was well hidden. But he did say that often, and his words harken to me now. While I know that having a pet gives me the most boundless joy I've ever experienced, and I truly have never loved anything that much, I know it has also given me the most sadness and I have had to face THE most difficult task ever in my life-the decision to let them go. And for now, with whatever time Dancer has left, my love and attention for him will be immeasurable.

Here's the verse I was mentioning earlier for those of you who believe "it's just a dog",

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog."

Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person.

Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a human."

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog." just smile, because they "just don't understand."

I have attached a small video of Dancer with his good buddy cousin-Kris Kringle

Let's Dance-r

Life is certainly not fair sometimes. We often, no, actually always want the easy road. However, I must admit that adversity almost always gives us strength and discretion when it arises. For without adversity, we would not have those gifts that allow us to rise to the occasion. I have been given one of those unforeseen adversities today. It was one that I had been praying truly would not be given to me. And yet, I knew somehow it was out of my hands and the "luck of the draw". There is the old adage, "what does not kill us, makes us stronger". I can only say that it will be my faith and the power of prayer that will see us through.

My "Big Boy" Dancer, was diagnosed with a nasal tumor. And while he lies in a crate in the vet's office, most probably with a runny discharge from the procedure, my prayers will call out that I be blessed to have many more years with him. This is where the power of the internet becomes a pariah. For in the very knowledge that it bequeaths to us, there is that same knowledge that breaks our heart. If anyone reads this blog and you have a pet, (or don't, it really doesn't matter) say a special prayer for my boy tonight....thanks.

"FOR IT IS MARY"

"For it is Mary, Mary
Plain as any name can be
But with propriety, society will say Marie
But is was Mary, Mary
Long before the fashions
came
And there is something there that sounds so
square
It's a grand old name"

And with those inimitable words, George M. Cohan described her to a T. For she was a woman without reproach, with an unflailing manner to her life. And yet she came from somewhat aristocratic beginnings. The daughter of a Hispanic draftsman she lived with her mother and father and four brothers and sisters in a stately hacienda with servants and the "good life"in the little town of Arichega, Mexico. Only to be uprooted at an early age and brought to St. Louis with them and eventually abandoned by her father, life was not easy for them. She never finished high school and worked menial jobs as they struggled for their existence. She would eventually marry, have a daughter and then divorce until she met the love of her life for 45 years. And even then, that did not bring her to the Promised Land as she struggled with not only her husband's alcoholism but hers as well. And she would endure the gut wrenching pain of having her daughter emotionally and physically stripped from her by her sister. And she had to bear the most "via dolorosa" of her life and watch that very daughter to die before her. But she persevered as only a mother can do. She and her husband eventually reached sobriety. She became the "breadwinner" in the family and with "her" money they would travel and see the "Promised Land". She became an avid Bingo player and to see her come out of a bingo hall smiling like a Cheshire Cat because she had won $499 jackpot for the night was worth its' weight in gold. With her two daughters and one son she buried her beloved Paul. She would follow him 7 years later. It was an indelicate and inauspicious death for with the tracheotomy that had to be performed her sweet, delicate voice was silenced. It was a resounding silence that left all numb. You may be be wondering who and why I speak of such a rather diffident and quite unassuming woman named Mary. And let's face it, "Mary" is a common name but it does have one universal and global appeal, for Mary was the mother of Jesus. To me she was just "Mom" and today would have been her 99th birthday. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.

In an earlier post I spoke of the two questions that were asked of the ancient Egyptians before they could enter heaven, "did I find joy in my life?" and "has my life brought joy to others?" I can only hope that the latter question is answered by that my life brought joy to Mary and Paul. For me, it will all have been worth it knowing that.

We all have been faced with that unparalleled question of "what if" as we walk out the door leaving our loved one and never seeing them again. If only I had told them I loved them, or if I could take that back and try again. I dedicate this short video to Mom (and Dad)....."one more day" is all I would ask.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UWx-shGM0g

LINDA'S DAY (a little late)

Better late than never.....right??? I wanted to dedicate this post to a very special lady in my life who's undying love and care for me speaks volumes to me of how much I love her. She is someone who would literally do anything for me and basically has. For many years I was motorcycling, seeing the "world" (or actually the U.S.) her and her late husband were always there to babysit my "beasts". On top of taking care of her two little lovable dachshunds, she would add to her brood with my 6 loves. And on top being somewhat allergic to cats, she would (and still does) load up on anti inflammatory decongestants to have her eyes from swelling to the size of a blowfish and sneezing enough to start a hurricane all to keep me from having to board them in some unwelcomed shelter.

I thought when Mom died 16yrs. ago that I had indeed lost my Mom. Little did I realize that she was reincarnated in the spitting image of this woman. It used to be that when I went on one of my many motorcycle tours, Mom would always be there to stuff an extra $300 in my pocket. I would tell her I didn't need the money, but she was always quick to respond...."just take it, you never know when you're going to need extra money." This other lady is just like that....always saying, 'you may see something you want to buy". And she's still there today, saying the same thing. Here's a few pics of her with a couple of loves of her life, her now deceased husband, her now deceased Max and Mausi, and her new loves in her life that I (against her wishes) gave her two Christmas' ago.....Kris Kringle and Holly!!

So, here's to my rock, my Gibraltar, my sister-Linda who just celebrated her 63rd. birthday on July 1. Happy Birthday, Sis, I love you!!!
Lil Bro'